


never again (nevermore)

by casdoms (moffwithhishead)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 9.23 Coda, Demon!Dean, M/M, Post-Episode: s09e23 Do You Believe In Miracles?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-29
Updated: 2014-05-29
Packaged: 2018-01-26 23:51:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1707116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moffwithhishead/pseuds/casdoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s not true, Castiel tells himself as he gets the angels figured out in heaven, at least for the moment. It feels like he can’t breathe and the part of his Grace that was still in him, no matter how small it was, feels like it is on fire because the steady ebb and flow of Dean’s soul that usually pulses through it had disappeared. </p><p>Dean’s fine, Hannah assures him before handing Cas a list of angels they can trust to keep an eye on Metatron for the time being. Isn’t that what you’ve told me? He’s strong. I’m sure he’s fine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	never again (nevermore)

**Author's Note:**

> [read it on tumblr](http://slayerdeans.tumblr.com/post/86379492412/its-not-true-castiel-tells-himself-as-he-gets)

_It’s not true_ , Castiel tells himself as he gets the angels figured out in heaven, at least for the moment. It feels like he can’t breathe and the part of his Grace that was still in him, no matter how small it was, feels like it is on fire because the steady ebb and flow of Dean’s soul that usually pulses through it had disappeared. 

 _Dean’s fine_ , Hannah assures him before handing Cas a list of angels they can trust to keep an eye on Metatron for the time being.  _Isn’t that what you’ve told me? He’s strong. I’m sure he’s fine_. 

He doesn’t know how to tell her that Dean hasn’t been fine for a very long time. He doesn’t know how to explain to someone who barely understands feelings what it’s like to be told something that breaks your heart. He doesn’t know what part of his brain is speaking for him because what’s left of his stolen Grace is working on trying to feel Dean.

It takes him 24 hours in earth time to get everything together enough for him to leave and go to the bunker.

It takes Cas 3 hours to work up the courage to knock on the front door.

 _Dean will open the door_ , he assures himself while he waits.  _Dean will open the door and he’ll be bruised and hurt but he’ll be alive. It’s just the Mark that’s blocking the bond… it’s nothing else. Dean’s fine. He’s alive_. 

The front door opens after a beat & Cas feels like he’s going to be sick.

"Dean," he hears himself breathe out dumbly. For someone who has only had a body for a few years now and spent thousands of years outside of a vessel, Castiel never understood what people meant when they said ‘an out of body experience’ - he’s pretty sure he understands it now. 

"Hiya, Cas," Dean grins and his eyes flash  _black_  of all things. “What brings you to our neck of the woods?” 

"You…" Castiel swallows thickly and it’s suddenly so hard to talk, "I thought…" He takes a step closer to Dean and raises a hand to touch him before dropping it, not sure how this new development has changed things. "Metatron… he said that you were dead." 

He might be crying.

Dean blinks at him and his eyes go back to the normal, familiar green that Castiel knows so well, “Oh.” He looks genuinely surprised if not a little sheepish and he pulls Cas into the bunker after a moment, “Yeah, uh… that.” 

"That?" He repeats flatly, giving Dean a somewhat incredulous look. "I’ve spent the last -" Castiel sucks in a breath (and yes, he’s definitely crying now) as he shakes his head, "Dean I thought you were  _dead_. And all you have to say to me is, ‘Oh. That.’?” 

The demon seems surprised and he frowns for a moment, his eyes flashing back to black, “To be honest man, I thought you’d be more upset about this.” 

He wants to scream at Dean for being so stupid and accepting the mark. He wants to find Cain and rip him to shreds for doing this to the beautiful man in front of him. He wants to pull Dean into his arms and never let anything bad happen to him again. He hates himself for putting Heaven before his friend, again. He wants to smack Dean for being so stupid and thinking that he would care about anything other than Dean’s wellbeing. He wants to kiss Dean until he forgets that he has become something he used to have nightmares about. He wants to go back in time and save the Righteous Man before Alistair has a chance to show Dean what his demon self was capable of. 

Instead, Castiel surges forward, grabbing Dean by the back of the neck and pulling him into a desperate, almost bruising kiss. 

The other man yelps into it but recovers quickly and starts kissing Cas back like he’s drowning for it. At this point, really, they both are. And Cas is so  _tired_  of not getting the chance to tell Dean.

When they pull back he rests his forehead against the hunter’s and growls as he meets Dean’s eyes, “ _ **Never do that again.**_ " 

 _Never scare me like that again_ , he means to say.  _Never make me live without you again_ , he tries to get out but the words get caught in his throat.  _Never put yourself in harm’s way like this again_ , his eyes plead without his consent. “Never…” His voice quivers a little, “Do that. Again.”

Dean seems to get it though because he nods and brings up a hand to rest on Cas’ cheek, his other arm wrapping around his waist.

"Alright, Cas," his voice is quiet as he brushes a tear off of the angel’s cheek, "Alright." 

"Never again."


End file.
